Thursday, May 21, 2015

So long, Lane Bryant!

I will say that I've clowned Lane Bryant a few times over the years, usually for the following reasons.

  1. That stuff is expensive.  Jeans are $70.  Shirts are $50.  Even the panties are high!  Everybody knows that you don't step up in there without a coupon or some Real Women Dollars.  Mind you, I never remember to spend my Real Women Dollars and always find them in my wallet after they've expired.
  2. Maybe it's me, but Lane Bryant does best when they stick to solid colors, attractive prints, and sturdy construction.  On Monday, I saw this shirt, loved the print, and when I tried it on, the sleeves look a fool.  Where the hell am I going in a shirt with no arms?  Why not just make it sleeveless?  What's the point of this?  LB, you good for having some animal print, bedazzled jean shorts that I refuse to wear.  And this mess is STILL expensive.  (See point 1)
  3. Lane Bryant stores are so far from one another.  Where I live in New Hampshire, I have to go to Kittery or Portland, Maine to find a store, and that Kittery one is new!  There is a Torrid in the closest mall, but I don't like their stuff.  

Look at these sleeves.  I was over it!

In a few weeks I'll be performing in my dance studio's recital.  Yes you should come out and support the arts.  For the tap dance dance (that can't be the right word), I have to wear black pants, a white shirt, and a colored tank top.  This was cool since I like tank tops.  I tried to avoid the long trip to Lane Bryant by going to Dress Barn.  The woman there showed me a lovely crocheted white shirt and when I told her that it wasn't quite right, suggested that I go to a men's department.  I also went to TJ Maxx hoping against hope, and that was a joke.  So off I went with an hour to spare!  Of course I called first because tolls and gas.  


This campaign is so problematic.
My "inspirational fat woman" pose!  Why do they do that open mouth laugh?

Eventually I picked up an orange shirt too.  I always look cute in orange. Yes, I'm still standing on the bench.
While I was at the store, I decided to try on some new jeans.  The ones I have are getting loose, so I got some size 14s off the shelf.  They fit just fine, but I didn't buy them because $70.  After I put them on and strutted around a bit (because I'm me), I realized that they were also a little loose.  I went to see if I could find a smaller pair, and then I realized that those size 14s were the smallest pair of jeans in the store.  This means that soon I won't fit the clothes at Lane Bryant.  (Before you get choked up, I wound up buying a size 18 shirt-the smallest size they had- because of broad shoulders and academic probation titties.)  I did pick up some size 14 tank tops and new smaller sports bras, and it's amazing how different I look in smaller clothes.

 I have a whole bunch of feelings about leaving Lane Bryant behind.  Despite its questionable use of spaghetti straps and glitter, it's been home for as long as I can remember.  I have no idea where women go to buy clothes.  I don't dress particularly fancy, choosing to spend most of my life in t-shirts, jeans, and gym clothes, but am I going to ever need (gasp!) a blouse?!?!  I cringe just thinking of that word.  ugh

I don't go to malls.  I'm not much of a shopper.  For now, I'll kick it at the thrift stores until I can figure out what the new stores will be!

Later I found these seahorse shorts at the Goodwill!  #BALLING

No comments:

Post a Comment