I will say that I've clowned Lane Bryant a few times over the years, usually for the following reasons.
- That stuff is expensive. Jeans are $70. Shirts are $50. Even the panties are high! Everybody knows that you don't step up in there without a coupon or some Real Women Dollars. Mind you, I never remember to spend my Real Women Dollars and always find them in my wallet after they've expired.
- Maybe it's me, but Lane Bryant does best when they stick to solid colors, attractive prints, and sturdy construction. On Monday, I saw this shirt, loved the print, and when I tried it on, the sleeves look a fool. Where the hell am I going in a shirt with no arms? Why not just make it sleeveless? What's the point of this? LB, you good for having some animal print, bedazzled jean shorts that I refuse to wear. And this mess is STILL expensive. (See point 1)
- Lane Bryant stores are so far from one another. Where I live in New Hampshire, I have to go to Kittery or Portland, Maine to find a store, and that Kittery one is new! There is a Torrid in the closest mall, but I don't like their stuff.
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Look at these sleeves. I was over it! |
In a few weeks I'll be performing in my dance studio's recital. Yes you should come out and support the arts. For the tap dance dance (that can't be the right word), I have to wear black pants, a white shirt, and a colored tank top. This was cool since I like tank tops. I tried to avoid the long trip to Lane Bryant by going to Dress Barn. The woman there showed me a lovely crocheted white shirt and when I told her that it wasn't quite right, suggested that I go to a men's department. I also went to TJ Maxx hoping against hope, and that was a joke. So off I went with an hour to spare! Of course I called first because tolls and gas.
I FOUND A SHIRT! YES, GIRL IT WAS $50!
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This campaign is so problematic. |
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My "inspirational fat woman" pose! Why do they do that open mouth laugh? |
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Eventually I picked up an orange shirt too. I always look cute in orange. Yes, I'm still standing on the bench. |
While I was at the store, I decided to try on some new jeans. The ones I have are getting loose, so I got some size 14s off the shelf. They fit just fine, but I didn't buy them because $70. After I put them on and strutted around a bit (because I'm me), I realized that they were also a little loose. I went to see if I could find a smaller pair, and then I realized that those size 14s were the smallest pair of jeans in the store. This means that soon I won't fit the clothes at Lane Bryant. (Before you get choked up, I wound up buying a size 18 shirt-the smallest size they had- because of broad shoulders and academic probation titties.) I did pick up some size 14 tank tops and new smaller sports bras, and it's amazing how different I look in smaller clothes.
I have a whole bunch of feelings about leaving Lane Bryant behind. Despite its questionable use of spaghetti straps and glitter, it's been home for as long as I can remember. I have no idea where women go to buy clothes. I don't dress particularly fancy, choosing to spend most of my life in t-shirts, jeans, and gym clothes, but am I going to ever need (gasp!) a blouse?!?! I cringe just thinking of that word. ugh
I don't go to malls. I'm not much of a shopper. For now, I'll kick it at the thrift stores until I can figure out what the new stores will be!
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Later I found these seahorse shorts at the Goodwill! #BALLING |
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